Hi!

 

It has been a while since I have last posted.  Some days it does not feel like there is much to talk about.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to someone who also has their own blog, and she described her blog as a “no bullshit zone”.  I did not know how to respond to that, so I said, “… mine is pretty upbeat…”

Jeez Jeremy, that’s like suggesting yours might, in fact, be full of shit.

Then I thought about it more.  Is my blog “keepin it real”?  I don’t know if bullshit is the right term, really, since that suggests I am filling my blog up with bad or untrue material, which I am not.  But you guys aren’t always getting the full story.  I pick and choose what to focus on.  But something has been bugging me a lot for the last few weeks.  So in honour of keepin it real, I am calling it a “no spin zone”, since you are getting what has been weighing most on my mind, without the picking and choosing.

When I got measured by my trainer-to-be a few weeks back, I was faced with the awful truth that I had been avoiding for months.  I was backsliding.  Meaning I have been putting on weight.  I am not back where I started, but I have lost about half of my sizeable progress.  Compared to when I started, I still feel worlds better, and have a slightly better shape, but compared to the start of 2012, I feel a lot worse.  This has depressed the shit out of me.

 

It’s hard to say where it started.  After I lost a bunch of weight, I thought “ok good, I know what I am doing now.  I can eat what I want and exercise when I want, and I will maintain, and if I feel ready to lose hardcore, I will tighten up.”  So yes I would make a diet plan for myself, but I would stick with it for about 2 or 3 weeks then fall off the diet again.  I was working out all the time, but then I hurt my shoulder from overtraining.  So then I was working out very little, and still eating like a pig.  Day by day it all added up.

When I hurt myself and went to the gym a lot less, it really hurt my motivation, it dampened my passion.  I started to think it wasn’t what the world wanted me to do, and my focus suffered.  My shoulder had recovered, but I had started dodging the gym and dodging yoga now.  And day by day it added back up.

On some level, dimly, I recognized I had a problem, and by putting myself in the room with a personal trainer, all the dirty laundry was thrust into the spotlight.  And now here I am, feeling low about myself, overweight, feeling crappy.  2011 I lost a bunch of weight; so far 2012 I have only gained weight.

But I remember how it felt to start.  When I was ready to make a change, I had a burning desire to vent all my frustration and anger out in the gym.  I was tired of people looking at me and summing me up by my weight.  I wanted to reclaim my home, and I would beat and thrash against the walls of my own reality to get to where I wanted to go.  I am down, yes, but I have lots more tools in my toolbelt than I did in 2010.

I want that passion back.  I am going to work with my new trainer, and give it my all.  My goal at the end of October is yes to lose weight first and foremost, but I also want to rekindle the passion I have been missing all year.  The first few weeks I am likely to be exhausted and beat up, as I reaccomodate to the tempo.  But I need this.  I know I am about to step out of my comfort zone, and get pushed into exercises I hate, the circuit training, the lunges, endless stairs.  But the place I fear and hate the most is the place I need to be, in order to burn it down.

Rocktober is about to start, and I am very hopeful 🙂

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