**Sometimes my workout log takes a turn to personal thoughts.  If all you want to read are numbers, then skip this one.  I don’t mind, I prefer reading numbers myself.  But as it is a new year, I wanted to reaffirm my goals and mindset.**

 

Gravity.  I never stopped thinking about it.

about 19 years ago, I became interested in gravity, as the “weak” force in the universe that connects everything, draws everything together.  I wondered, is gravity inherently good?  where does it fit into the construction of the universe?  is gravity God?  is God the force that pulls things together, causes them to organize, build, form?  why this tendency to draw together?  are we destined to come back together and be one?  what is the future of this force?

about 13 years ago, I was told that the universe is spreading apart on its route from the Big Bang, and in the end, everything would be equally far apart, and the universe would be cold and lifeless.  no Crunch.  I grew despondent.  what does Gravity accomplish?  is God fighting Entropy?  is Good defined by a hopeless struggle to add temporary meaning to a futile existence?  is our innate tendency to draw together, as a reaction to everything spreading apart?  are we converting matter to energy to fuel ourselves, in vain as we slowly but surely run out of fuel?  have we evolved into a species that eats food, has children, grows up, preserves knowledge, all in a giant smokescreen against the dust pile to come?  where is the higher purpose when the whole plane of existence turns to ash?

about 10 years ago, I wondered if Gravity is Good, how are black holes Good?  I grew worried.  I saw giant wells of Gravity, lifeforms grown so heavy they collapsed inwards and pulled everything into itself in a desperate attempt to consume, all the while trace radiation evaporates from the accretion disk, and the black hole eventually dies.  I saw people, driven mad by the need to export entropy, consuming everything around them in a non-sustainable way, without guaranteeing any longer of an existence.  How can Gravity be Good when the future of the Universe is Evil and the struggle has driven us mad?  Where was Good?  Is God insane?  Are we as a people drawing together or are we pulling things away from each other?  Why should we lose sleep over the destruction of our ecosystem and our societal consciousness when the tendency to unify and the tendency to divide and conquer come from the same place, and both will not matter in the end?  where once I saw Life, now I saw Greed.

About 8 years ago, I thought about micro-black holes.  Where the insanity and greed were once on the event horizon and in our hearts, now I saw it springing up in Nature, pinholing our universe, defying our attempts to innovate and sustain, corrupting information and damaging our best intentions.  I felt black holes were evil, like a dragon gnawing on the roots of the tree of life, and where the dragon has left his teeth marks, discord springs from the ground.  I could no longer see gravity as Good.  I saw Good as the slow slide before Evil, where we are as we draw together but before we meet.  When we meet, Evil is born.

One early morning, 4 years ago, I saw great black holes, massive, billions of times as large as our Sun, like OJ287, spin around each other and coalesce and distort.  And where they met, great jets of energy, massive quasars expel heavy matter like iron and calcium and oxygen from the heart of the dead suns, for billions of light-years in multiple directions.  In their wake, space and time was shattered, the event horizon was broken, and Life was left in their wake.  Our solar system might well have been the fallout from a massive energy spike from colliding wells of gravity.

I didn’t think gravity was evil any more, and I no longer thought of black holes as evil.  Black holes might have seeded the universe.  And as we consume and destroy and thrash against the walls of our existence, we come into contact with each other, and Good springs up in the spaces between our Evil.  I was not so sure our Evil is so bad any more, and I wonder whether Life springs up not from what we accumulate, but from when 2 accumulators run into each other, when these 2 gravity wells collide and the space between them becomes vacuum, and from the emptiness springs forth life and purpose.  I began to hope.

So I sat.  And waited.  And thought about what I wanted.  Once I allowed myself to connect with other people, to allow myself to trust them, possibilities opened up.  Once I saw the possibilities, I wanted more.

Gravity is everywhere, weak and timid and constant.  Everything in the universe is pulling everything else into itself:  the Earth is pulling me in, I am pulling the Earth in, all the blades of grass and all the leaves in the trees are pulling together, and as you read this, no matter where you are, there is a force pulling meandyou together.
Once I knew what I wanted, I allowed myself to give up those things that did not serve me, that kept me from growing.  I started prioritizing my fitness only because my lack of fitness no longer served me, and it has been full of stops and starts, as I struggled to shed my old skin and grow into my new one – sometimes the restrictions killed my momentum, and sometimes the freedom left me paralyzed.

One day the gym stopped being a tool to get rid of what I didn’t want, and started being something I craved, in and of itself.  I found myself finally growing, and taking shape, and changing. And a new year is upon me, and I feel like this past year has been so transformative.  I have lost weight, I have gained muscle, I have learned so much more about what motivates me in the gym, and what my fitness means to me.  I have matured.

As the new year begins, I resolve:  to no longer observe and think about gravity, but to manifest it within myself.  To constantly grow, and to gain.  I will add quality mass to my frame.  I will push and pull and lift and carry the heaviest weights I can find.  I will not avoid these heavy feelings, but work with them, and explore them.  I will get bigger and stronger.  I will no longer play small to placate those around me.  I will grow into the best me I can be.  And as I grow, so too does my capacity for others grow.  I will make room for others in my life, and take them into my heart, and care for them as I now am learning to care for myself.  My heart will burn with passion and purpose.  I will work and play and love as fiercely and as fearlessly as I lift.

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